According to recent national studies, at least a third of Americans show signs of clinical anxiety or depression following months of uncertainty, isolation, remote working environments, and incalculable grief and loss. One in three Americans has lost someone to coronavirus.
The COVID-19 pandemic upended every aspect of our lives in ways we never imagined. We experienced a year of extreme uncertainty and crushing losses, from the death of loved ones to the loss of livelihoods and our pre-pandemic security. There have also been the intangible losses: the loss of a sense of safety, of physical connections and freedom of movement, of financial security, and group celebrations of milestones. The coronavirus has even disrupted our traditional mourning customs, robbing the bereaved of their opportunities to find the support and social connection of gathering for funerals. This was the year that Zoom burials entered into our lexicon.
In the midst of major converging crises, it is a critical time to focus on how we’re moving forward and adjusting to new realities after unimaginable loss. Sometimes, it’s difficult to know what to say to a bereaved person. If you find yourself struggling to find the words, here are some ideas to help you better communicate a more compassionate, helpful, and supportive response in the face of someone’s loss.
Say Their Names
Don’t be afraid to mention the names of the deceased. Our friends and loved ones may tear up at the mention of their names, but when people die, we don’t erase them from our headspace and heartspace. Speaking the names of those we’ve lost in conversation and condolences is infinitely more meaningful than that well-meant but generic phrase, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Avoid asking, “How Are You?”
The old adage that you don’t ask questions which you already know the answer to holds very true here. When friends and family members experience devastating loss, the answer to this question is obvious—“not good.” Instead, try saying something more along the lines of, “Tell me how you’re feeling today.”
Listen to Understand & Not to Advise
Although we want to comfort the people we care about, rushing to give advice to people who are grieving can often give the impression that you are more inclined to assume than to seek to understand their grief experience. Unless you are asked for advice, don’t be so quick to offer it. Typically, people who are grieving really wish that others would just listen. We often work through grief and trauma by telling our stories. Give people the much-needed support of a sympathetic ear.
Show Up
When you speak to people who have gone through periods of grieving, they often recount the people who showed up for them when they were at their lowest. They remember the ones who helped them gradually move forward and resume their lives. If the bereaved person is open to spending time with people, affirm that you will be there for them by saying something like: “Take all the time you need to grieve. I will be here to help you as you find your way through this.” This statement both acknowledges that there is no quick and easy path to healing and also affirms that they will not be going through it alone.
Reach Out
Whether you call to express your sympathy, use social media, or write a hand-written letter, reaching out after someone suffers a loss is expected and strongly encouraged. Avoid using phrases like, “It’s God’s will,” “Things happen for a reason,” or “It’s for the best,” unless the bereaved person says this first. Although reaching out immediately after a tragedy is greatly appreciated, it’s often more important to reach out even more in the months following the loss. Set a reminder on your phone or in your calendar to just check in and say hello. Most bereaved people struggle with reaching out and need their loved ones to take the lead.
Help Out
Don’t ask, “Is there anything I can do?” or “What can I do to help?” For the bereaved, this can be a question too difficult to answer when they are overwhelmed by grief. Additionally, these questions transfer the burden and emotional labor to the person grieving, and they may not have the energy or capacity to think through their needs. Instead, be specific when offering help. Offer to clean up the house. Ask them what they need from the grocery store when you’re out shopping. Arrange for a lawn care service to cut the grass. These acts of service can be especially helpful and supportive.
Focus on Mealtimes
For many people struggling with grief, planning meals can be another stressor in the aftermath of loss. Although food is a basic need, it’s not uncommon for bereaved people to struggle with mealtimes. After the death of my wife’s grandmother, several of Grandma Libba’s beloved church members organized a schedule of meal deliveries for my wife’s family. To this day, my wife recounts the kindness they bestowed upon her family, and she also remembers those delicious smothered pork chops.
If providing hands-on assistance with cooking isn’t safe or feasible, feel free to use your favorite delivery services to drop groceries and meals directly on their doorsteps or send them digital gift cards. With all of the meal delivery and grocery services, it’s never been easier to assist people with meals.
Don’t Tell People to “Get Over It”
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no timeline for healing after a tremendous loss. Grief takes many forms, and we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and others. When we experience loss, our lives change enormously, and possibly forever. We should demonstrate great compassion and empathy. Instead of insisting that “It’s time to move on,” encourage your loved ones to heal at the pace that feels right for them.
To learn more about ways to live with your own loss and grief or assist others in the same situation, read the New York Times Article, There is No Vaccine for Grief
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/02/well/family/grief-vaccine.html